TTC - BFN

BFN  © Shutterbug

If I were smart (and if I actually had any available cash left after my myriad of treatments), I would be investing in one of the companies that makes these magical little sticks.

Judging from the number of comments on various forums and blogs, I am not the only woman who begins obsessing about these tests on the day of her IUI, and proceeds to make and break bargains with herself every day thereafter on when she will begin taking them. I've come full circle in the last year of madness: I began the process full of excitement and enthusiasm, testing far too early, then as pessimism loomed I tested later and later (because as long as you don't see a negative result, a positive one is still possible), and finally I am back to testing the moment a reliable result seems plausible. This time around I took 4 tests, which brings my running total up to…a zillion. Probably the financial equivalent of a really successful trip to the LCBO for some really excellent wine.

We tried to think positively and truly believe that this was the month, how could it not be with two lovely little eggs on their way? Each time we try we do our best to remain calm, be optimistic, create a soothing environment for nature to take its course, and balance all that with not getting our hopes up too high. I failed miserably at that part this time around.

I fear I am becoming one of "those women", the ones who see pregnant women at every turn and feel a combined rush of jealousy and irritation. The ones whose eyes pick out every news headline about abused children and shitty parents who think, "Really? THEY were able to pop out kids, but I can't?" I vacillate between wanting to talk about this process all the time, because it is on our minds all the time, and wanting to scream if someone asks me about it when I don't feel like sharing. 

My lovely wife and I can't help but examine our feelings every now and then, and both of us have to admit that our life together is already pretty full. Our time is our own, our money is our own (aside from this process), we can be spontaneous, we are madly in love, and we aren't anxious for any of those things to change. I worry that there is a reason this isn't working for me, that perhaps this isn't the path I'm supposed to take. I worry that I am too old, too tired, too impatient, too set in my ways to be the kind of parent I would want to be, and that the stress of parenting could damage our marriage. But when our neighbour's little boy threw his arms around my legs and called out my name, tears sprung to my eyes…and I have to believe that is also an indication of what is missing in my life. Children's clothing and book stores are like a magnet for my wife, where she can get lost for hours shopping for our future child.

So I guess we press on until the decision is much clearer. Clomid, round two.

My day 3 u/s this time showed a minimum of six follicles, in which I took irrational pride.

There are still so many hurdles to clear, even if we finally get a BFP. I can't believe we can't even seem to get to that stage of the game.

Please let this be the month.