BFP Sinking In

Another week further  (c) Shutterbug

I had my IUI procedure done on August 17, and on August 19 my job was eliminated. So much for maintaining a stress-free environment full of positive energy.

I was luckier than most of the other people who received similar news that day, because at least the company wanted to find a place for me: back in a job I'd held fifteen years earlier. It was an incredibly traumatic and emotional day as I waited for hours to hear if I was among the coming layoffs, found out that I was, then heard there was an opportunity to stay, but it would be as simply a team member in a department where I had, a lifetime ago, once been the manager. A tough situation, but I knew I had to make the best of it with everything we were going through.

We got our "BFP" (big, fat positive pregnancy test) on August 28, and I started my new job the very next day. The news changed everything. I felt like I was floating, walking around with this wonderful new perspective and an entirely different future opening up in front of me. Work stresses suddenly seem so insignificant in the face of our life-altering news. In one instant I felt like a different person. It's been similar to the experience of getting engaged and married; suddenly knowing how that portion of my life story would play out. And now I get the chance at another role.

The road has been so long already that we've been afraid to get our hopes up: it's not like we don't know how many hurdles there are still to pass. I've taken a silly number of home pregnancy tests to convince myself this is happening, because there is so little tangible proof this is even real. My first beta blood test (to test the hCG level) was done two days early due to a clerical error, and came back at 90: a high enough number to make us think both eggs could be on the go. OMG. It is completely bizarre to walk around for weeks thinking first that there might be nothing, then knowing there is something, but still wondering if it is one baby in there or two. Beta two was 150, but it was beta three that was the most important. All we have to go on are these phantom numbers that hint at what's going on inside my body. It's surreal.

I had the blood test on Thursday, and my wife and I were hoping for the results yesterday. I sat at my desk waiting for the nurse to call, jumping at every ring, wondering how I would have a personal call with so many people around me. What if it were bad news? I was distracted the entire day, and finally left a message on the clinic voice mail asking for our results, but a call never came. Excruciating.

We were on pins and needles today, as each hour ticked past and we still didn't know if we were ok. One phone call. One number. The range of acceptable numbers is ridiculously broad, because it would not only indicate whether a pregnancy was on track, but could give an idea of how many embryos were growing. It was our understanding that anything over 500 was a "good" number. A high number of a few thousand would mean there was more than one baby. As the day wore on and still no call came we became convinced the delay was due to bad news. We kept ourselves busy and tried so hard to keep calm but the mind is a crazy place. 

The waiting ended in the mid-afternoon. Beta three is 774. It is perfect for one baby. We are on our way. There will be no more news now at all until our first ultrasound, scheduled at seven weeks.

My wife has spent time on several different online forums as we navigated this process; now that we've had success she moved to a baby bump group instead of an infertility support group. They create a time line for your pregnancy where each growth stage is represented by different seeds or fruits for the embryo's size. Last week our baby was a poppy seed; this week he/she is an apple seed. Next week a sweet pea. Sounds like a photo project waiting to happen. 

In the meantime we've started a journal to write notes to this baby we've so desperately wanted. I know we are not supposed to get our hopes up, but I want to remember everything. 

I've plugged all our dates into a couple of online calculators, and they say my due date will be May 10, 2012. Mother's Day is May 13 - whether the baby has actually arrived or not, we will be celebrating for the first time. I will be a first-time mother at 42. Not what I'd planned for myself, but sometimes the universe has other plans.