Patience Is A Virtue

(c) Shutterbug

I am not sorry to say goodbye to 2011.

The year ended with two more BFN results, and the overwhelming feeling that we are trying to force something that wasn't meant to be.

I've viewed many different forums and read many different stories from people who've had it easy, and many who've had it a lot worse than we have. That being said, I'm starting to feel pretty dejected about our journey.

October 2009 - April 2010: monitor cycles, choose sperm donor, undergo mandatory clinic testing and counselling

April 21, 2010: IUI #1, BFN

May 18, 2010: cycle cancelled when ovulation not detected

August 29, 2010: IUI #2, BFN

September 25, 2010: cycle cancelled due to poor estrogen response

October 22, 2010: cycle cancelled due to required surgery

November 28, 2010: IUI #3, BFN

December 23 & 24, 2010: IUI #4 & 5, BFN

January 20 & 21, 2011: IUI #6 & 7, BFN

April 30, 2011: IVF cycle #1 cancelled due to cyst, decide to try medicated IUI

June 25, 2011: IUI #8 with 100mg Clomid, BFN

July 21, 2011: IUI #9 with 100mg Clomid, BFN

August 17, 2011: IUI #10 with 150mg Clomid, BFP

September 28, 2011: miscarriage at 7wk6d

November 16, 2011: IUI #11 with 150mg Clomid, BFN

December 17, 2011: IUI #12 with 150mg Clomid, BFN

It's hard to believe we've been at this for two years. This list of procedures can't begin to convey the emotional and physical pain we've endured, and the way our lives have adjusted to make this process the centre of our universe.

Each cycle involves sleep deprivation, daily trips to the clinic in terrible traffic, insane amounts of money in parking fees, physically painful procedures ranging from blood tests to ultrasounds to inseminations, discomfort and side effects from medications, stress from having to take time off work, stress from waiting for test results, and stress on my marriage as my wife and I both ride the roller coaster of emotions. As strong as our marriage is and as much as we love one another, no one could go through days and weeks of the hope/disappointment cycle without friction. It never lasts for long, but it is always a bit of a struggle to balance our moods when I am frustrated and dealing with hormonal side effects, and she is naturally an optimistic and positive person.

I shake my head at the arrogance of not wanting to shop for a wedding dress when we first started trying, so sure was I that I would be pregnant at my wedding a few months later. I am no longer even a newlywed, and there is no baby in sight.

I also shake my head at my ignorance of thinking I should do everything possible to avoid a multiple pregnancy. The fear of having to cope with twins is what kept us from using medication at all in the beginning, and kept us (in addition to the expense) from trying IVF earlier.

But now here we are, in the place I've tried for two years to avoid: drugged up and in danger of having multiples. Funny how quickly that goes from being a fear to something you would gratefully accept as an alternative to a childless life. 

Fertility medications for one month of IVF treatment  (c) Shutterbug

My wife has patiently and carefully administered the three daily injections into my stomach, where the site burns and then aches, and the drugs cause increasingly debilitating headaches and bloating. The drugs cost around $4,000, depending on the number of days required to reach the right levels, the donor sample cost $700, the procedures come in at around $9,000 depending on whether sci-fi treatments like ICSI and assisted hatching are required, and there are other incidental costs as well. This is not for the faint of heart or wallet.

My scans have shown that the most follicles I could develop this month would be six. Mt. Sinai believes in only doing an IVF cycle when there is the potential to retrieve five or more eggs. Four or less and they would want to convert to an IUI: a horrible prospect. You are to assume that not every follicle will contain an egg, that not every egg retrieved will fertilize, and that not every fertilized embryo will survive to transfer. There are so many hurdles, so many decisions, and So. Much. Waiting.