Lost

"So...are you still bleeding?"

This was the first question I faced, on my first day back at work, from the first person I saw who knew what had happened.

"Are you going to try again?"

"At least you know you can get pregnant."

"It's nature's way of taking care of problems. It's probably for the best."

"Better for it to happen now rather than later. Imagine going through this when you are further along."

"My sister/cousin/friend/fillintheblank had a miscarriage, and..."

"How are you?"

I don't know how to answer this last one. Are you looking for an honest answer, or a polite "I'm ok"?

I am not okay. I find myself wanting to tell everybody and nobody what has happened. I resent insensitive comments from people who can't know any better.

For the past few weeks my last thought at night and my first thought in the morning were the same: "Wow, I'm pregnant." Filled with awe and excitement and anticipation. Now it is the opposite.

I go about my day. I get up, I let the dogs out, I step into the shower...and am paralyzed by the vision of blood splashing on the white tub between my feet.

I do my hair, I make my lunch, and I go downstairs to look after the cat...stopping at the litter box, then remembering it no longer matters that I scoop.

I eat my breakfast, then make a last stop in the bathroom where it happened.

I am mocked by the "What To Expect When You're Expecting" book on my nightstand, by my prescriptions in the bathroom, by my prenatal vitamins on the counter, by the pregnancy tests littered throughout our house, and by a thousand other small reminders of what we have lost.

I try to sleep in the bed I couldn't leave for a week as I suffered, and prayed, and raged, and grieved.

We try to make sense of it, and take turns being strong for one another. And we try to make plans to keep going.

Down By A Taz

Taz  © Shutterbug

The House of Doolittle has shrunk by one.

This was our Taz less than a month before we had to let him go, being the good sport he'd always been for my camera. An ad agency client from work wanted to see photos of a black and white cat licking its lips, so I came home and tried to take some new photos of Taz to send in for the job. He happily ate several treats in my studio, but slowly lost interest in my quest. I ended up giving the client a few older photos I had of him in my archives.

Over the next couple of weeks our boy's respiratory infection grew worse, and he began to lose weight. We were out of options with regard to antibiotics; nothing was working (see previous post here). His breathing was laboured, and he was frequently blowing green snot bubbles from his nose. 

As a last resort we started him on steroids, hoping this would give him just one more remission to enjoy life again. Sadly, this isn't how it turned out. After five days of waking up in the morning to find his nose crusted shut, wheezing and rattling and growing thinner by the day, we knew we'd reached the end of the road. Our vet was the kindest and most devoted caregiver we could have asked for, and he agreed to come into the clinic on his day off to help us say goodbye to Taz.

The same afternoon we made this sad appointment, the advertising client from a couple of weeks earlier called to proceed with purchasing the photo of Taz. The timing was so eerie and emotional – almost as though Taz wanted to help us pay for his final vet bill.

I couldn't sleep that night at all. I sat up reading with Taz on my chest, stroking him and listening to his purr still rumbling away. I counted the hours as they passed, and had a good cry. I took him to the kitchen sink for frequent drinks from the tap now, house rules be damned. The sink where he'd previously gotten into such trouble for kicking dishes to a spectacular crash on the floor was now his domain.

When I went to the bathroom, Taz surprised me by jumping in the tub and proceeding to playfully bat the shower curtain, then stare at me. I wasn't sure whether he was trying to tell me it was okay, or giving me a guilt trip.

Taz in the tub  (c) Shutterbug

Morning came, and although it was cold, it was a beautiful day with bright sun. Taz has always been an indoor cat, but loved to sit at the back door and try to sneak outside with the dogs whenever possible. Sometimes he made it to a safe haven under a bush or the barbecue, seeming quite pleased with himself. This last day we walked him out in our arms to let him enjoy the sunshine.

Then our hearts broke as we said goodbye to this member of our family; my wife's companion of 17 years. He knew things about her that even I will never understand. I am so happy to have known him, because he was truly a wonderful animal filled with personality. He was there for my wife when she had little else, and saw to it that she made it through to a happier place. 

Thanks for being the bridge, Taz. We love you.