TTC - The Final Countdown

"Aunt Flo" arrived right on time this month, just as she has every other month for as long as I can remember. Trying to keep one's expectations low means less opportunity for crushing disappointment at this news, but results in more of a constant, low-grade depression.

Last month was not the first time I told myself it would be the last time I would suffer the pain, inconvenience, and indignity of all the requisite fertility procedures. I said I needed a break and I meant it, but when my seemingly inevitable day 1 arrived, I had to make the choice of whether to call it into the clinic or not. Suddenly I began to feel anxiety at the thought of taking a break instead of relief, envisioning one of my poor little eggs making its journey with nothing there to meet it. This is the reality of being in a same-sex relationship: there will be no happy accidents. It would be another lost opportunity; the slimmest of chances that this will be the month. And so I called it into Mt. Sinai, as I have so many times over the last year and a half.

My day 3 ultrasound fell on a Saturday, as so many of my procedures do, and the Mt. Sinai clinic was packed. My appointment was strangely late, at 9:00, and we could barely find seats in the waiting room. We were uncomfortably close to those around us; two couples who had each shown up with needy toddlers. A woman across from us recognized an older gentleman sitting nearby and proceeded to have totally inappropriate, top-volumme conversation with him about what he and his partner were going through. He took pains to be polite, giving ever-shorter answers to her barrage of questions ("So, are you in the middle of IVF?"), but soon appeared to be completely absorbed in his child's video game as a means of avoiding the interrogation. Some people have zero ability to read others, and zero filters.

A very tall, large, and intimidating black woman appeared in the doorway, swinging her long braids and demanding to know who was still waiting for blood work. She then began pointing at people, stabbing the air and grunting, occasionally demanding to know their names. "YOU!" she would yell. "BLOOD?" she demanded, scowling. When she came to me and heard I needed bloodworm, she grunted and pointed at the hallway, which I had to assume meant I should follow her. She didn't smile, and didn't talk other than to point at the computer screen and say, "That you?". Bracing for the test, I was unsurprised when her painful jab missed my vein. While pulling the needle in and out of my arm, changing the angle of entry to spear the uncooperative vein, she finally asked, "Does that hurt?". I was practically in tears, but had to laugh as I responded with What do you think? Once I was done, my wife and I proceeded to watch as she repeated this exchange with other people. How did this woman ever get her job? Surely you still have to interview and be chosen in the medical field, just like with any corporate job? Or as a nurse are you simply given assignments? Does no one care whether you have the shittiest job performance imaginable? There doesn't appear to be any accountability at Mt. Sinai. How could there possibly be so many incompetent people, month after month, doing a bad job with an even worse attitude? It crossed my mind that it was a teaching hospital, but these people were far too old to be students, and there was certainly no instruction going on that I could see.

This ultrasound was our first introduction to Dr. Rebecca Arthur, who we'd been told would be taking over our case during Dr. Liu's mat leave. She seemed nice enough, and spoke with confidence. When I asked about the follicle count, she told me not to worry about it from month to month, as it would probably not vary much given my age and test results (FSH/AMH levels). I think she said there were four this time. I asked about alternative drugs, since I was feeling like the Clomid wasn't having much effect, and she said injectables were an option for about $1,500 - but would likely not have that different a result. What?! I couldn't really process that news. Wasn't that the next step for an actual IVF procedure? Wouldn't those be the "big guns"? She offered to up my Clomid dose to the maximum 150mg to see if that helped, and we agreed to go with that.

This time the side effects included the usual fatigue, increasing mood swings and bloating, but also threw in some new insomnia, daily headaches, and daily nosebleeds. All this, and yet know that it's important to maintain a positive, stress-free environment for yourself to maximize the chances of conception. 

As I go about my daily life, I can't help but wonder whether anyone has used fertility treatments as a reason for actions of temporary insanity in court.

Evergreen Brick Works

On a recent Saturday morning, I made my usual trek to the farmers market at the Evergreen Brick Works, but with a different task at hand than obtaining the best lemon feta cheese in the city (truly, you have to taste it). Toronto photographer Edward Pond was hosting his first photography workshop there, free of charge, to anyone interested in hearing his approach to shooting food. The agency I worked for wanted someone to check out his talk, and I was happy to go.

Edward sharing tips © Shutterbug

Edward is a somewhat soft-spoken and unassuming man, rare in the industry to begin with but even more so when you consider the level of success he has achieved. Most of the people in the group appeared to be hobbyists of another generation, and I wondered how many of them actually knew of Edward. He began with a short, obviously unrehearsed presentation outlining his personal philosophies, which included the following useful tips: 1) Don't buy props and set up artificial scenes if you don't have to. Figure out how to shoot what's in front of you in an interesting way; include surroundings to tell more of the story and possibly find some humour. 2) Get in close to your subjects and try to engage them. Always be respectful and don't just "steal" photos of them without permission. Ask. 3) Think about and evaluate the light you're dealing with, move around the subject to see how the light falls from different angles, and try to consciously choose side or back lighting for addd interest. 

Edward even went so far as to fully answer each and every one of the litany of questions regarding his own equipment choices and preferred settings, offering a level of transparency that many professionals simply won't share. It's as if some photographers feel that by sharing their methods they are giving the competition a boost, whereas Edward seems to genuinely want to help people create the best possible photographs they can. Refreshing.

Lilacs on table  © Shutterbug

We made our way through the various stalls and vendors at the market, with Edward pointing out several objects that caught his eye. Sometimes we'd stick together in our small group and jostle for views at the same table, and sometimes we'd scatter to where our individual interests took us. I spotted a beautiful bunch of lilacs sitting on a table, and decided to start with this easy subject. It was a static scene that I could move around and experiment with my framing and exposure until I had what I wanted.











From there, I moved on to a display of the most unusual-looking radishes I've ever seen, with vendors who were more than game to allow us to descend on their merchandise and rearrange it for aesthetic purposes. I went in for a close-up that showed the beauty of the produce, then pulled back to show more of the surroundings, unattractive as they were. A cookbook publisher would only want a beauty shot, but an editorial article on the market or this farmer would want to include some "real" images that didn't appear staged. It was interesting to see how different everyone's take on the same scene turned out to be.

Radishes at Brick Works market  © Shutterbug

At this point I decided to separate from the group, who continued to poke through piles of lovely organic produce, and make my way to some of the stalls I normally frequent. The vegetables are indeed beautiful, but I'm more intrigued by the people who are selling their wares. One of my favourite booths is Ying Ying Soy Food, which sells organic tofu in a variety of flavoured marinades. The gentleman manning the table is quite passionate about his product, and has a small electric grill going with samples he excitedly holds out to people on toothpicks, demanding that they give them a try. He talks about how he created certain flavours, which ones are his daughter's favourites, and how best to enjoy his products. On this day my toothpick held something I hadn't tried before, which he offered as a blind tasting. As soon as I tasted it I exclaimed, "Oh! Tofu bacon!" He shook his head, explaining that he really didn't like the association with bacon, and named this particular product "Deli Slices". Smoked tofu. I got the distinct impression that he must be a vegetarian, and remembered to use the correct name when I went to make a purchase.

Ying Ying Soy Food table  © Shutterbug

At the end of the allotted hour, I thanked Edward for his time and his contagious enthusiasm, and made my way to a large display area at the far end of the market. A man by the name of Bernard runs his company ShelfLife Materials out of a workshop on site, breathing new life into old reclaimed wood. He is committed to sustainable building practices, and offers clients a wide variety of finished products in addition to supplying raw materials to other designers and builders. Today he had quaint little birdhouses, beautiful polished slate chalkboards, a filing cabinet I was already mentally placing in my office, and a stunning bench I could easily see in my garden. I had to hold myself back from just handing over my Visa. I'd love to follow Bernard through the process of creating one of his pieces…perhaps if I ask nicely he'd let me shadow him.

Bernard of ShelfLife Materials  © Shutterbug

Filing cabinet at ShelfLife  © Shutterbug

It was a productive couple of hours, and I'm reminded of why I love this city. You can travel just minutes, blocks, or even feet from where you live and find cool stuff, meet interesting people, and learn something new. And it doesn't have to cost a dime!