Have Patience, Will Travel

Plane over Maho Beach, St. Martin © Shutterbug

There is no time a southern escape is more required or more appreciated by a Torontonian than in February. The mercury has been below zero for weeks on end, and six-foot icicles are hanging from our eaves. They are also falling from the eaves, and hit my honey in the back of the head as she tried to clear a path to our recycling bins. Time to get away.

For the first time in recent memory, our flight was at a decent hour (11 a.m.), meaning we had the luxury of sleeping in until 6 a.m. before getting ourselves ready and taking the dogs to their home away from home–where they take off at a full gallop once released with nary a look back at us. Everything went according to plan, and the Park 'N Fly shuttle at the airport picked us up in five minutes. Thank God, because despite layering our summer clothing, February is simply too damn cold to bear for long without a parka. The speedy transfer was also appreciated because the couple waiting at the shelter with us were both smoking their brains out, and blocking the doorway with their bags. Yuck.

Our seats were towards the back of our Air Canada flight, a newer 767 plane with the first-class section set up with individual futuristic pods. Pod people. I wonder if I'll ever experience what it feels like to sit in that section? I was just thrilled we were not on a charter for a change. Air Canada feels cleaner, roomier, and just more…well, dare I say Canadian?

The plane had a couple of technical issues–a panel above me leaking condensation in a dirty stream upon takeoff, and an entertainment system that kept crapping out and requiring a reboot. We had to go through the painful onscreen menu several times, sit through mandatory advertising clips, start the show…only to have the screen go blank and start all over again. I don't know that this is such a great improvement over the "old days" when we just brought a book. That was my solution, as the passengers groaned.

Several minutes into the flight we became hyper-aware of the couple sitting across the aisle from us, as did pretty much everyone else. Their every thought was voiced at top volume. "JOHN IS 26 AND SHE'S 22. DO YOU KNOW THAT A GENERATION AGO THEY'D ALREADY BE MARRIED WITH A COUPLA KIDS?" I tried to ignore them and focus on my book. The wife took out a crossword puzzle book. "WHAT'S THIS WORD HERE? SEE IT HAS TWO Ts, BUT I CAN'T GET THE REST. LOOK AT 81 DOWN. 81 DOWN. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?"

The husband was even worse. "I DON'T KNOW 81, BUT I SEE 42 ACROSS. IT'S "ARRIVE". TO GET THERE IS TO ARRIVE." Then he leaned over the aisle to peer across us at the view out the window, and proceeded to describe the scene in excruciating detail to his wife. She mentioned she was hungry, so they proceeded to discuss food options. This brought about a more spirited conversation about food in general, both their likes and dislikes, at which point I decided to put on my noise-cancelling headphones, even though the in-flight system was not working. I caught the eye of the man sitting in the row behind them, who was shaking his head and mouthing the words "oh my God" to me. At that moment, the husband let loose an explosive burst of laughter that startled the wife of the man behind them, who was trying in vain to sleep. Her eyes flew open and met mine, at which point all three of us rolled our eyes and muttered "holy shit".

We lasted half an hour. By this time none of us were making any attempt to hide our irritation, and my wife had started to passive-aggressively mimic some of the couple's louder conversation–but they remained painfully oblivious. People on the far side of the plane were looking at each other incredulously as the chatter continued, and I just couldn't take it any longer. I tapped the man on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, I don't know if you realize this, but the people around you can't focus on anything but what you are saying. Would you mind keeping it down a bit?" To my surprise he seemed embarrassed, nodded and said, "Ok, sure." And that was it for the rest of the flight! That never happens!

The food/beverage carts took well over an hour to reach us at the rear of the plane, and of course the bulk of items available for purchase were sold out. This turned out to be a blessing, because my sister was seated a few rows ahead and ate what we would have ordered - and was sick for the rest of the day. We ordered the one and only selection available, which was a roast beef sandwich for each of us. The older flight attendant with close-cropped grey hair who had previously seemed rather unfriendly suddenly seemed quite apologetic. She said she would only charge us for one sandwich and would comp us some wine as well, saying with a smile, "It's the least I can do." My lovely wife's intermittent gaydar kicked in, and leaned towards me to whisper, "Membership has its privileges."

Before we knew it, we were there.

Goodbye, gallbladder

Hospital i.v. bag  © Shutterbug

I suppose I should take some comfort in the fact that I made it to 40 with all my parts intact.

My fabulous Italian honeymoon in September took a nosedive on our last night in Rome, when I was forced to seek help at the nearest ER after many hours of excruciating abdominal pain. Apparently dieting one's way into a wedding gown and then gorging on rich Italian food and wine is frowned upon by the gallbladder.

The culprit (or rather, the final straw) was the most delicious meal I've ever tasted in my life, cooked for us in our rented Roman apartment by a pair of professional chefs. It was all arranged from Canada by my amazing wife as a romantic surprise for me, which it was. Prosciutto and cheese-stuffed zucchini flowers, handmade pasta with duck ragout, pork loin, chocolate lava cake…each course paired with a different gorgeous local wine. 

As we walked through Rome the next day, I felt what I thought was a little indigestion. By the time we got to the Vatican it was painful, and by the time we climbed the interminable number of stairs inside St. Peter's Basilica, I knew I was in trouble. The view was totally worth the pain, though.

Rome and Vatican City seen from St. Peter's Basilica rooftop  © Shutterbug

It was a long and arduous trek to get back to the apartment to lie down. I drank water, took antacids, and tried to nap, but several hours later the burning pain was still sharp enough to make breathing difficult. I finally had to admit this was more than indigestion, and suddenly considered my gallbladder. The unassuming little organ we rarely think about or appreciate, but which can produce stones that block the bile duct, or rupture like an appendix. I remembered that a few of my family members had needed to have theirs removed many years ago, and made a long-distance call to my mom. She agreed it sounded like the right diagnosis, and said a gallbladder attack was either going to abate over time if I could tough it out, or get bad enough to require hospitalization and/or surgery. 

Around 1:30 a.m. I woke up my wife and said I couldn't take it anymore. It was unimaginable that this was happening, given that we were set to check out and leave Rome the next day for a road trip up the coast. Instead we found ourselves in a taxi, on a road trip to the nearest hospital - which turned out to be at the Vatican.

Note to self:  avoid foreign hospitals at all costs. Despite the Italian medical system's reputation for having extremely good (and free) healthcare for tourists, my experience was my own personal version of hell. Somewhat amusing, given that I was as close to heaven on planet Earth as you can get.

This major hospital in a major city was dingy, crowded, and had no signage to help us figure out where to go when we arrived at 2 a.m. We also found out that there was not a single person there who spoke even broken English. My fear of traveling in countries where I don't speak the language was suddenly proven to be well-founded. Seeing our obvious distress and confusion, a lovely young man sitting in the waiting area was able to help us find a nurse (by repeatedly and obnoxiously holding down a doorbell on the wall beside a locked door until someone showed up). Not only did our "easy Italian phrasebook" not contain a translation for "gallbladder attack" we also needed to convey the complicating factor that I was potentially pregnant, with an extremely expensive potential baby. 

By this time the pain had been so intense and unrelenting for so long that I just wanted relief, but a blood test must be done before any drugs could be administered. The collection of a blood sample seemed to be outside the scope of everyone's capabilities. Two nurses tried three different veins before finally getting a vial of blood from the back of my hand…and then had to return for a fourth stab after dropping and breaking the first sample. Was I on some Italian Candid Camera show?! This, combined with the very unfriendly male doctor who roughly prodded my abdomen then told me to be quiet when I gasped in pain, made me want to run for my life.

It took two agonizing hours of rocking on a gurney to get the news that I was not pregnant, which was delivered in a delightful manner by a gruff doctor chopping his hand through the air sideways while snapping, "NO BABY." No additional tests were run, and yet the doctor felt confident pronouncing it simply a case of gastritis (i.e. "you ate too much"). I knew he was wrong, but I just wanted to get some pain relief and get the hell out of there. They administered two doses of painkillers via my i.v., after which I was finally able to hobble out into the ER waiting area, rolling the i.v. behind me, and tell my wife what was going on. 

At 5 a.m. we exited the hospital and tried in vain to find a taxi. Impossibly, I had to limp all the way back to the apartment (essentially Piazza Navona) on foot from the Vatican hospital, following a 17 hour gallbladder attack and no sleep. I resolved to watch my cheese and wine intake for the remainder of the trip, as I bargained with my rebellious gallbladder.

Sure enough, back home in Canada an ultrasound in the top-notch medical centre in Box Grove turned up the source of my Roman angst: very large gallstones. My GP called me at home on her own time to discuss the results with me, and then kindly pled my case to the fully-booked surgeon. As 40-year-old woman undergoing fertility treatments, baby plans would have to be put on hold until the gallbladder surgery was performed. Every month is critical at this age, so luckily for me I was given a cancellation spot with the surgeon, Dr. Pallister. Dr. Crystal Pallister. She sounded like a go-go dancer, and I liked her already.

I cannot sing her praises highly enough. Young-ish, articulate, confident and friendly, she calmly answered every single one of our questions. She had a definite opinion on what should be done, and gave me the utmost confidence in the surgical route being taken and in her abilities. The surgery would be attempted laparoscopically, as a day procedure, and open abdominal surgery would only be necessary if complications occurred.

My experience at Markham Stouffville Hospital for the cholecystectomy was the polar opposite of Rome. The hospital is clean, modern, and the staff are efficient and friendly. My surgeon and the anesthesiologist both came out to speak to my wife and I prior to taking me to the OR, willing to answer any last-minute questions. Our only real concern at that point was the possibility of contracting something nasty by sitting in the same chairs that the 300-lb toothless woman mopping at the weeping goiter on her neck had just vacated. It says on every piece of patient literature you receive and on every sign in the area that patients are allowed ONE adult to accompany them. This woman's entire family was with her, seeping over all the chairs, leaving none for the actual surgical patients to sit in. What is the matter with people?!

So here I am, 6 days after a laparoscopic cholecystectomy, almost completely back on my feet and only a little the worse for wear. I was hoping to keep my gallstone as a souvenir, but was informed it is "medical waste" that must be properly disposed of. I'm a little sad to think of my stony organ floating around out there somewhere, and a little skeptical of the opinion that its absence will have no effect on my life…but am relieved at the assurance of no further attacks. That is not a pain I would wish on anyone.

Maybe we'll skip the chef's meal next time we're in Rome.